~Winter Wassailing~#24: 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians'

It's all Pia Zadora's fault!
All of it!
Everything....my all encompassing obsession with 'Trash Cinema' and all it entails; all the hours spent ruining my eyesight and sanity, all the money I've spent (Griff: surely you mean 'wasted'?), all the days spent scouring small ads and records fairs (in the days before Amazon, or even the internet)....just looking for that elusive gem of cinematic cat-litter to add to my ever expanding collection.
It all began with Pia Zadora....on Christmas Eve 1983, and the first ever showing on British TV of 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians'. What clouds fell across my eyes that night that I would never see clearly again?
Let's go back and take a look.....
So it was Christmas Eve 1983, which was a Saturday, and Ray and I decided to go to Edinburgh that day for a bit of shopping. I had only been up to Edinburgh on my own once before but knew where the main shopping area was. This was in the days before I ever even thought of going to Glasgow. I had my first ever Christmas pay-packet (of sorts) and knew exactly what I was going up there for; an album by Jean-Jacques Burnel and Dave Greenfield (I was still in my 'Stranglers' phase) called 'Fire And Water', a book on Horror Movies back in the day when Horror films were still respectable and not the 'torture-porn' franchises we have nowadays, and a book which Barry Norman had talked about on Film 83 called 'The Golden Turkey Awards' which dealt with the very worst of Hollywood. Barry had even showed a couple of clips from 'Godzilla vs The Smog Monster' and 'Rat Pfink A Boo Boo' so my interest was immediately piqued.
We had been looking forward to this visit to Edinburgh for weeks, so I won't embarrass Ray here by revealing how he spoiled the entire day (and didn't even make it to the last train stop!!) and how I had to condense my whole day in Edinburgh to about 15 minutes, but in which time I still got the three items I had been after.
So I got home that afternoon, listened to my new album, read through my Horror Films book, but decided to leave my Golden Turkeys book till later that night as Channel 4 were about to start running a series of films called 'The Worst Of Hollywood', presented by Michael Medved who was one of the co-writers of the Golden Turkeys book.


The rest of my family went along to the midnight Carol service that night, leaving me with the film 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians' and my new book about bad movies. To say it was one of the most pivotal moments in my life is a bit of a massive understatement. To read about all of those bizarre, ludicrous movies whilst actually being able to watch one of them as it played out sent something adrift in my psyche. For the rest of my life I would become obsessed with the most terrible, most outlandish, most mindbending, most outre surreal movies imaginable; not just watching them (which sometimes, admittedly, is a chore in itself), but reading all about them, studying them almost.
That's not to say that 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians' is all that bad a movie. You usually find that, that the films with the worst reputations turn out to be nowhere near as bad as you are led to believe. Take 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' for example; that used to have the mantle of 'Worst Film Of All Time', but to be honest it's not even the worst Ed Wood film, and in actual fact is quite entertaining.


The basic plot of 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians' has the children of Mars feeling pretty down as there's not much fun to be had so, after viewing the happiness of children on Earth at Christmastime, they decide to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to their home planet where, hopefully, they think he'll dispense the same good cheer.
The kids (one played by Pia Zadora, actually acting more capably than in the ridiculous career her sugar daddy bought for her) are overjoyed by Santa, as is friendly adult Martian Dropo, but evil Martian Volgar captures Santa and holds him to ransom etc etc. Cue Kids and Dropo overpowering Volgar and releasing Santa back to Earth while back on Mars Dropo becomes a Santa-like figure to the children. Earth rejoices as the real Santa returns.
Sure the acting is ropey at best, and the costumes and make-up are awful, but the Mars sets now look very retro-chic and there is a genuine sense of joy in the film-makers intentions, so it's not all bad. To be honest, I can think of far worse children's films than this; 'The Wonderful Land Of Oz' or 'Jimmy The Boy Wonder' for example.
So that was it!
From that night onwards I would be obsessed by the worst and weirdest of Hollywood; be it giant monster movies, Spaghetti Westerns, 60's 42nd Street Grindhouse Exploitation, Drug Movies, Sexploitation, Mexican Horror movies, ultra low budget genre pictures....you name it. The worse its reputation, the bigger my desire to check it out.
We here at the ~Streetlamp~ all have our own default settings when it comes to movies; Griff can barely even watch B-Movies preferring 'decent' films, Ray likes a fair amount of Sci-fi, Horror and genre movies and will tolerate some of the shite I let him see.
But me....I'm like a moth to a crap movie flame; tell me it's the most tawdry, badly acted, badly scripted, special-effects-by-glue-and-string rubbish about a giant Italian cowboy terrorising a spaceship full of 60s burlesque strippers, and starring Julian Sands and Danny Dyer....and I'll be first in the queue.

And all because of a Christmas Eve, 28 years ago today, spent with Pia Zadora!
Eeeewwwww!!!

~Gordon~

The 2011 Streetlamp Festive Thirty

Your attention, please! This is Ray speaking, which means that it's that time of the year again; that's right, the Streetlamp Festive Thirty! As is now customary, this gives me the chance to temporarily take over the blog and present to you the thirty outstanding tracks featured on the blog this year. Before I do so, I'd also like to give a short 'state of the nation' address:

"Seasons Greetings to all the readers and musicians who have made The Streetlamp blog what it is today. It's because of all of you, that we here at The Streetlamp are encouraged and inspired to keep this blog going, and hopefully to give something back in return to the music that we love, and which continues to shape our lives.

I was thinking to myself at the beginning of the year that, if we as blog writers were to encounter the same difficulties that bands go through in their own creative process, i.e. the creation of the 'difficult second album', then this would manifest as the 'difficult second year blog' for us.
Thankfully, we were in safe hands with those twin professors of obscure pop trivia, Gordon and Griff. Not only have they continued to delight and surprise me in scouring the globe and the annals of history to provide us with even more truly amazing music than they did last year, but, in addition to this, this year has seen an expansion of the blog in new and unpredictable directions. Last year, The Streetlamp was merely a music blog, this year Gordon and Griff have delved deeper into their own expansive hinterlands and covered visual arts, poetry, sculpture, film, and, of course, politics (although admittedly at times it's been like reading 'Marxism Today'!). I would personally like to thank both of them for bringing to light all the wondrous cultural phenomena that have not only expanded the blog but also my own knowledge. I look forward to further enlightenment next year."

OK, that's quite enough praise for those two for the time being, let's proceed to the issue at hand. The Streetlamp Festive Thirty presented its usual problems this year, i.e. so much good music, so few spaces available on the final list. As always, it has been a terrific struggle to settle on our final 30 songs. Without doubt, a few excellent bands had to be left out, which either Gordon or Griff would ideally have loved to have seen included, but I am a strict taskmaster and insist that only the very cream of the crop make the final list.

So, without any further preamble or self-congratulation, ladies and gentlemen,..it is my pleasure to finally present to you

- in alphabetical order -

The 2011 Streetlamp Festive Thirty

A Love Song To Evelyn McHale - Anton Rothschild


A Woman's Worth - ZuKrewe


Apples & Oranges - Olympic Swimmers


Baby's Fine - Alice Martineau


birds in a supermarket - Palms on Fire


Both Sides, Now – Syd Lane


Bouffant Headbutt - Shampoo


Don't Destroy Me - Golden


Don’t Look At Me (I Don’t Like It) - The Lovely Eggs


Dos Policías - Los Punsetes


Dream for Julie - Kaleidoscope


Farewell - Soda Shop


George & Tracy - Gaffa


Guadalajara - Doble Pletina


Hallam - The Spook School


Horo Bhodachain - The MacDonald Sisters


I Am (If You Are) - Murder Mystery


I Heard You Say - Vivian Girls


Let Her Go - Birdie


Lights In The Sky - The Moth & The Mirror


Love in December - Club 8


My Darling Grace - Berlinist


My Lonesome - Two Wounded Birds


Myself - Columbus and Crusoe


No Boys No Girls - First Fatal Kiss


Sorrow - Life Without Buildings


Strongmen & Acrobats - Laura Hocking & The Long Goodbye


Você Só Corre - Parallèles


Winter of Discontent - Stanley Odd


Year of the V-Neck - Elizabeth City State

Looking at that list what strikes me most is its sheer eclecticism. Gaelic girl singers from the 60s rub shoulders with modern, US, street, hip-hop; sensitive singer-songwriters vie with garage bands. All life is here, and pleasingly, there is a good strong Scottish contingent on the list too.

Now all that remains for me to say is; 'Have a very Merry Christmas, and see you in 2012.'


Ray

Gordon writes: Personally, I found this to be quite a strange year. I felt that we moved away from music to an extent and found ourselves writing and commenting on political issues and Socialist culture, but this was more through necessity of the times, rather than any pre-ordained plan that we had. Who knows what next year will bring and where we'll find the heart of the ~Streetlamp~ resting.
But this was still a good year for music, and I'm hoping for even better next year.
Have a good Christmas.
~Gordon~

~Winter Wassailing~#23: Christmastime - Cocteaus & Wine

It has to be said that, for me, the Cocteau Twins are probably the most paradoxical band that I can think of. You see, while on one hand they are these purveyors of ethereal, dreamlike, otherworldly slices of achingly beautiful perfect alt-pop, topped of with one of the most enchanting and headspinning vocalists of all time; there's also the fact that they come from Grangemouth!
Now this may mean absolutely NOTHING to the majority of our readers, but Grangemouth is an industrial shit-hole of a town, a mere nine miles from where I live. Sometimes it's hard to equate such cultural beauty could ever have sprung from such a dreary and soulless place.
Also, because they come from so near by, it was also commonplace to see them around. This kind of de-mystifies things a tad. Surely creators of such captivating spectral musical alchemy should live in golden palaces on Mars and only visit our sphere once in a while to drop off gems of radiant wonder? But no....there's guitarist and sonic innovator Robin Guthrie sitting in The Barrelhouse on the Graham's Road in Falkirk in 1989, trying to enjoy a pint whilst all around him have gathered a rum bunch of overly keen teen/early 20-somethings (of which I was one), pestering him with questions as ludicrous as "What's Nick Cave like?" or "What's Jim Reid like?" and then with one almighty penny-dropping moment of realisation all voices chime "Have you met Morrissey?? Have you met Morrissey??". To say he looked pissed off would be an understatement.
The Cocteau Twins, of course, have now become a kind of by-word for Eighties Indie Music; like The Smiths, The Cure or New Order they just ooze 'Eighties Indie'. Darlings of the NME, especially in their formative years, it's very safe to say that the Cocteaus delivered some of the greatest records of that much maligned decade, and in their unique sound and equally idiosyncratic sleeve artwork and videos, created a world of their own, something only the very best bands can ever achieve.
I have planned to write about their main body of work at some later date but, as this is a Wassail, I'm going to take a look at their Festive release from December 1993.
I have to confess that when I first heard that the Cocteaus were releasing a version of 'Frosty The Snowman' I though it was another of the NME's jokes, something along the lines of when they announced that Morrissey and Jimmy Somerville were to release a duet entitled 'Away With You, Laddie'. And yet there it was, on Radio 1, on the daytime playlist (I'm sure it was Simon Mayo who championed it), something their entire previous output had failed to muster.
As you would imagine, it's not a carbon copy of all previous interpretations, it's most definitely a Cocteau Twins song; instantly recognisable by both the production and, of course, Elizabeth Fraser's extraordinary vocal performance....


Before we discuss the flipside (another seasonal treat), let's talk about THAT voice. Nothing prepares you for the impact of hearing Elizabeth Fraser's singing for the first time; at times it doesn't even sound human, like some swirling cumulus of angels and aliens, leaping octaves in a single breath and making you feel like Heaven is holding a fireworks display inside your head. I find it really sickening that people fall over themselves to proclaim that singers like the late Amy Winehouse, or Duffy or Adele have these incredible voices, lazily comparing them to Aretha Franklin or Dusty Springfield, while Liz Fraser is genuinely gifted in a way comparable to Asha Bhosle, Ofra Haza, Shahin Badar or even Bjork. Even voice specialist Tona de Brett claimed Liz had one of the greatest voices she had ever heard, so how come she's not hailed as one of our greatest ever vocalists except by us here at the ~Streetlamp~?
So, now that I've gotten that off my chest we can have a listen to the other side of the record and we find another Cocteau-esque interpretation of a Christmas classic, 'Winter Wonderland'....


Interestingly, and with true Independent stance, the Cocteaus deleted the single as soon as it hit the national charts; something that in this age of Cowell-saturated demeaning of the Christmas spirit , I find rather satisfying!

These days all that seems to emanate from Grangemouth is over-priced fuel and clouds of suspicious gas. Oh for the halcyon days when Heaven could be found within the Central Belt.

~Gordon~

~Winter Wassailing~#22: A Damned Fine Christmas

''Here comes Uncle Nick// Let's give him some stick''

Aaaah....The Damned!
That most under appreciated of bands!
Never given the Punk kudos dished out to The Sex Pistols or The Clash, and totally underrated as purveyors of fine pop/rock singles in the early 80s. Indeed, most people probably only know them for their superb cover of Barry Ryan's 'Eloise', but The Damned were always favourites of us here at the ~Streetlamp~, a fact that you can read about at length in my previous Blog about them.
So, as has been previously determined, The Damned (along with Crass) were pretty much the sound of High School for me and, as this is a Christmas Blog, we should take a look at their contributions to the canon of Festive ditties, beginning with their 1980 single 'Their Ain't No Sanity Clause'.
Released on November of 1980, '...Sanity Clause' was yet another classic recording by arguably the band's greatest line-up; Dave Vanian, Captain Sensible, Rat Scabies and Paul Gray. At this point the band were signed to Chiswick Records for whom fans reckon they recorded their greatest work, and '...Sanity Clause' came in a run of superb singles that included 'White Rabbit', 'The History Of The World (prt 1)', 'The Friday The 13th E.P', 'Generals', 'Dozen Girls' and 'Thanks For The Night'....magnificent singles all!
'...Sanity Clause' is a fairly raucous old wheeze complete with (probably ironic) sleigh bells and Ho-Ho-Ho-ing. What always makes me smile listening to it these days is the ''Here comes Uncle Nick// Let's give him some stick'' backing vocals that run through the second and third choruses. I'm guessing it was Sensible who came up with this as it seems like his sense of humour....


And speaking of the good Captain, it's hard to think of anyone whose career has seemed so schizophrenic! In The Damned he was a complete madman who took to the stage in tu-tus, nurse uniforms, or even completely naked. Yet running concurrent, he also had a bizarre solo career that saw him release show-songs, pop songs and (dare one even say it) children's songs! He pretty much became a light entertainer, even recording the theme tune to cringingly, God-awful, Jim Davidson-starring, TV snooker bollocks 'Big Break'....how embarrassing! Mind you, I suppose it pays the mortgage....but still!!!
Despite all that though, his solo career is still littered with some sublime songs; his debut solo album is a sounds-like-nothing-else-in-1982 bonkers classic, he made a brilliant single with Crass, he released the superb anti-war pop song 'Glad It's All Over', a fantastic serious Psychedelic double album entitled 'Revolution Now', and a rather fine Christmas single 'One Christmas Catalogue'.
Released in November 1984, the single sadly paled in the shadow of that same month's behemoth 'Band Aid' charity fest, and failed to even chart despite his previous single reaching Number 6. Even the comedy fluffy beard that bedecked the sleeve failed to lure the punters....


Given the endless rehashing of Christmas songs, both on the radio and on the music satellite channels, at this time of year, I'm always surprised that neither of these songs get much (or even any) airplay. It's always just the same old crap, year in year out....much like Christmas itself, eh cynics?

And to finish off, as a vegetarian, here's a little something for all you meat eaters out there....


~Gordon~